Sometimes bereavement and grief has the unexpected, and unwelcome, occasion or comment that will make it clear that your connections with other people in your life are not as beneficial or respectful as you thought or hoped them to be. Many folks are unsure as to what to say to a new widow or widower. Their expression of sympathy or support may be awkward, but it is sincere. And then there are those who show themselves to be unkind, impatient, and even cruel
It is true that no one can fully comprehend what it is like to lose your husband or wife until they experience it themselves. But this shouldn't prevent them from being understanding and kind. It may be that our abject sadness makes them uncomfortable, and I understand that. It is about what and how to express their feelings about your grief. Sincere words are easily felt, even if awkwardly expressed.
My moment of seeing into someone's true heart was beyond disappointing. Chris and I had befriended a woman who had recently moved to our village. She seemed a little uncomfortable and it became clear to us that she was in need of friends and a support network. We shared many happy meals with her and felt she was a great friend to us. After Chris died, she remained a trusted and engaged friend. She helped me a great deal, to the point that I convinced her that I wanted to financially compensate her for all her help, as I knew her finances were precarious. I even helped her find a job as a visiting carer so she could earn while providing me with the assistance I needed.
Seven months after Chris died, we were at a local market. Before the market started, I went to retrieve my regular breakfast of coffee and a scone. My friend sat and joined me. She then proceeded to scold me, ending with the words "take your thumb out of your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself." I was stunned. I didn't know where that had come from. She knew how much I was suffering with my grief. I sat there and tears streamed down my face. I looked and saw only a stony countenance from my "friend." And that was the end of our friendship. When she approached me several months later, I told her she owed me an apology and she refused to see that what she had done was very hurtful. There was no going back. I was more than okay with cutting that relationship. I would do it again. I had to protect my already broken heart.
In a way, I suppose I was lucky. This woman was just a friend and someone easily exiled from my life, but I have heard stories of widows or widowers being dressed down by family members and best friends because they should "get over it." No one has the right to tell you that you are grieving too long or too hard. As we all know, there are no rules about grief. There is no getting over losing the love of your life. To find that someone within your circle of trusted friends or family can be so uncaring can be devestating, but you have to remember two things: you have every right to cut that tie and you have every right to tell them quite clearly they have overstepped a very serious boundary. And, with the love in your heart, you have to feel sorry for them. If they don't understand, it means that they have never experienced the love you experienced with your husband or wife. You have to protect yourself by setting very clear boundaries. Grief, especially in the beginning, is painful. You have to make sure you are surrounded by those who at least try to understand.
It is important to have an established group of friends and family members to support you through the ordeal of grief, understanding that your grief is as unique as you are. They need to know that there is no timeline nor depth of sadness to which you must adhere. Your heart is broken and they need to at least try to understand.
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Chris' photography could express everything from unalterated joy to a sense of loss or sadness. I love this photograph - a study of flowers on a hessian cloth. Even the stain of a coffee cup adds an extra feeling to this image.
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